There are things that people find hard to talk about. And if something is hard to talk about it is usually because we perceive it to be shameful. We fear being judged, misunderstood, being diminished in the eyes of other people or having to change our ways. As Christians sometimes we put even more pressure on ourselves than ' the world' does. We are supposed to be good people. Yes, of course we all know we are sinners saved by grace - but when it actually comes down to the wire....well we ' grade' our sins and our failings. We are all happy to admit that we might tell an occasional lie or not pay a parking ticket. But what if we are self harming? Or have an eating disorder? Or have had an abortion? Or think we might be gay? Those things are MUCH more tricky to talk about.Ive noticed something in the past couple of years. Church isnt very good at talking about marriages. And it is almost impossible to say you are unhappy in your marriage until things have got so bad that the divorce lawyers are being called in. We turn up on a Sunday with our nice veneer of family unity pasted in place and everyone assumes that we are doing fine. But how many couples are really struggling - going through affairs and abuse and financial disasters? Or just not talking to each other and feeling really miserable. Drifting inexorably apart due to work pressures or the constraints of caring roles? When do we get the opportunity to tell it as it is?
The problem with relationship difficulties is that they involve someone else. If you are self harming or have an eating disorder then the shame can be enormous and the courage it takes to tell someone is immense. But its your own problem. You own it and if you want help then it is available to you. But if you are struggling with your husband/wife then by definition you have to bring them into the equation if you want to start talking about it. And as Christians we are so conditioned to not speak badly of each other and to be kind and honour each other etc etc. If your spouse is not prepared to concede there is a problem or talk about it then are you at liberty to discuss? Over the past couple of years I've spoken to several people who have been going through agonies in their marriages and who have not felt able to tell anyone about it until its been too late. And if we do pluck up the courage - is the help really there?
A few years back Keith and I were in a service which was all about the love of the Father. There was a call at the end for anyone who felt they needed love to be reignited in them to go forward. We were really struggling in our marriage so we decided to go up and ask if the prayer team could pray for us. The person who prayed was someone who knew me slightly but who didnt know Keith really. As we approached with fear and trepidation and said that we really wanted to ask God to help us in our marriage the prayer person laughed and said ' Oh Im sure you are both absolutely fine. But of course Im happy to pray'. She thought she knew. She assumed we were fine. We were so far away from fine it was a miracle we were in church together at all that day. Needless to say we didnt go up for prayer again.
The other thing we did was The Marriage Course. Disaster. We never fought more than when we did that! Mind you, it was only weeks after I'd had my first baby. We were both exhausted and stressed at having to leave the baby with Grandma for a couple of hours. We couldnt agree on any of the stuff the course suggested and the stuff about love languages only served to reinforce the fact that we operate on completely different planes when it comes to communicating affection. I suppose it did help to know that. But by and large the course was the cause of more grief than good. I suspect we did it at entirely the wrong time in our lives. And the course left it all up to us - there was no pastoral input or help to deal with the things it raised for us. We didnt have the internal resources as a couple to respond positively at that time.So heres a thought. If someone is brave enough to tell you that they are struggling in their marriage they are probably REALLY struggling. Things will have got pretty bad for them to mention it - because its incredibly hard to talk about.
Pray for your own marriage and the marriages you know. Especially the ones you suspect might not be doing too well
Ask your friends how they are doing. Be direct. If they dont want to tell you they won't. But you might just give them the excuse they need to say that things are less than great.
Remember that the enemy does his work in the dark and that God wants us to bring things out into the light. None of us is perfect. Nobody has a wonderful marriage all the time. The things you struggle with have been struggled with by generations of people before you. SO try not to be ruled by the fear of what people might think of you. The institution of marriage is under attack big time. More people are struggling than you would believe. But it is possible to have a good, long, healthy happy marriage. So hang on in there and dont give up
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